Here’s
a quiz. Which of these do you care about most with regards to your middle
school or high school child?
-- That
they achieve at a high level
-- That
they are happy
-- That
they care for others
Certainly
each of these is important, but you can only pick one. Which one do you want
most for your kid right now?
Got
your answer? Well, no matter what you chose, here’s what 10,000 teens from 33
different middle and high schools around the U.S. think their parents care about
the least: caring for others. Fully
80% of teens think their parents care most about kids’ achievement or kids’
happiness. Only 20% think their parents, first and foremost, want them to be
caring people.
In
addition, that same 80% of teens mirror what they think their parents want:
they also care most about achievement or being happy. Few teens care most about
being compassionate and helpful to others.
Harvard researcher Rick Weissbourd believes that parents send mixed
messages. They may talk a good game when it comes to community service,
volunteering, and participation in religious and charitable efforts but what
they really reward are good grades and school honors. What parents bend over
backwards to do is ensure their children’s happiness. One student said that his
parents permitted him to give up helping out at a local soup kitchen when it
cut into his studying. The priorities were clear.
College
admissions forms ask about community service and many high school students
volunteer in the community in order to have something that is worthy of note
from admissions officers. By and large, college admissions, especially to
select schools, depends on grades, courses taken, academic honors, and maybe
athletic or other extracurricular achievements far more than on evidence a
prospective student is a good and caring person.
Despite
the emphasis in many schools on character education, being a person of good character
often means only that a teen doesn’t have a police record. Parents, schools and
colleges alike really don’t pay much attention to caring, compassion, and
public service.
If it matters to you that your child grow into a helpful,
responsible person – and I hope it does! – then here are some tips for making
your interest in raising caring kids more clear to the people that matter –
your children themselves.
Encourage participation in all
sorts of service. Giving back to the community doesn’t always mean working in a
soup kitchen. It can include river cleanup, food drives, helping to tutor kids,
working at the animal shelter, or writing letters in support of an issue.
There’s no one right way to be involved, so let your child choose.
Encourage participation even in
causes you don’t care about or oppose. Maybe your child is passionate about
something you could never support yourself. That’s okay. Support the impulse to
participate even if you disagree about the issue. When you and your teen
discuss his cause, be respectful and try to learn more about it not persuade
him to give it up.
Encourage baby steps. Even choosing
to be friends with the new kid at school is an expression of care. If your
child isn’t interested in organized efforts to make a difference in the world,
let her make a difference in little ways, one person at a time.
Give compassion equal time with
achievement. Studies have shown that the most successful people are people who
have good social skills, show empathy to others, and understand others’ point
of view. Being caring is a component of being a happy, sought-after friend and
colleague, not just a quality nice to have. It’s not true that nice guys finish
last.
Model compassionate service in your
own life. One way teens know their parents don’t really value caring behavior
is that their parents don’t seem to care about others themselves. Find your own
cause and make it a priority. Let your kids see that caring for others and
making a difference is important enough that you engage in this too.
One word of caution. To raise a really caring child, it’s
important your child get to choose her cause. While having a family cause, one
that everyone in the household supports and volunteers in together, seems like
a nice idea, it doesn’t do much to inspire compassion in children. Like most
other aspects of family and parent opinion, teens are likely to flee from a
family cause at the first opportunity and not look back. Instead of imposing a
family interest, encourage your teen’s sense of justice and moral outrage at
the need he sees around him and let him choose
to care.
Choosing to care. It’s important. Make sure your children
know it’s important to you.
©
2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be
published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s book,
Parenting: A Field Guide, at your
favorite bookstore.
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