Being able to share toys and snacks is a key social skill
for toddlers and preschoolers. Of course, your child should learn to be polite
and friendly. Knowing how to share is important.
But there are times when sharing isn’t appropriate, even
though children might be asked to do so.
1. A child who brings her own toys to the beach or playlot
shouldn’t have to share with other children who want what she has.
2. A child who is playing with one toy among many similar toys
shouldn’t have to give up that toy to another child, since that child could
pick one of the toys that are free.
3. A child who is eating a snack should never share that snack
with another child. If the snacking child’s parent wants to encouraging
sharing, the other child’s parent must be asked first.
These seem to be sensible rules. Yet many parents on the
playground seem to have other ideas. I have seen – probably you have seen this
too – mothers demand that a child give up a toy to make her own child happy,
without regard for the fact that child has the toy brought it from home or that
there are many other equally nice toys available. Parents say things like,
“It’s our turn now” or “You’ve had that long enough,” as if there were a time
limit to play.
But there’s not. So long as there are other play options for
other children to enjoy, there’s no reason at all for a child to give up what
he’s playing with, on demand. Other children do not have a right to insist on
it. Certainly their parents don’t have that right.
It makes a difference if the plaything is the only one of
its kind. If there’s only one baby swing
at the playground, don’t hog it the entire morning, but give other parents and
babies a chance. If there’s only one plastic shovel in the sandbox, help your
child to give it up after a reasonable interval. But if there are many shovels
and your child is digging with the only blue one but there are other shovels
around, then she should be able to keep on digging without interruption. And
without being made to share.
Naturally, if your child brings a toy to the playground and
it is so wonderful that everyone wants to play with it so that it’s causing
difficulties, the solution is to put that toy away. Remove the source of the
problem, as a courtesy to other parents and in recognition that little children
have an imperfect understanding of ownership. But even then your child is under
no requirement to share.
If your child does decide to share her brought-from-home
toy, then she must share it equally. She shouldn’t use the toy as a way to
exert power over other children or to discriminate among them. Better to put
the toy away and play with it at home than to cause outrage and sadness among
other kids.
But usually the problem is with parents. It is they who express
outrage and sadness when your child won’t give up a toy and their own child is
unhappy. Some parents will give their children anything, even giving their
children your own child’s stuff. You do not have to go along with this. Helping
your child refuse doesn’t teach your child to be selfish. It teaches your child
boundaries and how to stand up for what’s right.
Practice these words and step in if another child or another
parent insists your child share what is his: “We brought that from home. It’s
ours.” Say this with a smile and don’t back down.
When another child or parent tries to limit your child’s
play with a toy when there are other toys available, say, “When we’re done with
that, we’ll let you know.” Smile again. Do not give in.
And if you are the “other parent” remember that expecting
something to be given up on demand isn’t sharing. It’s bullying. It’s not what
you want your child to learn how to do.
©
2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be
published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at
your favorite bookstore.
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