Are You Playing the Popularity Game?

Chickens have what’s known as a “pecking order.” There’s a top hen, who picks on the next hen, who picks on the next-most-powerful hen, and so on all the way down the line to the poor hen at the bottom of the ranking, which is picked on – and pecked on – by all the hens of higher rank. Quite often, this lowest hen is pecked unmercifully, even to death. It’s not a good scene and is one of the problems those who keep flocks of chickens worry about.

Chickens and children are not the same. Yet those who keep track of children notice that there’s a pecking order among them too. The “top” child becomes the “most popular” child and all the other children fall into line depending on the favor bestowed upon them by this most popular kid.

There are winners and losers here. But the losers aren’t chickens. They are your children.

Naturally, this is not a good scene. No one wants her son or daughter to be unpopular or left out. But this is where we parents lose our good sense and make things worse. If we buy into this popularity thing, being happy when the “most popular” child invites our own kid over to play and otherwise worrying about our child’s social status, we add to the problem. We become accomplices in what is a dangerous game.

There can only be one winner in the popularity sweepstakes. If – for now, anyway – your own child is the most popular one, she is anxious about keeping her standing. She is likely to become nasty and manipulative of others – threatening to drop friends who don’t do as she says or encouraging others to join her in verbal bullying of other kids. The queen of the heap only stays queen if she can control her subjects. In supporting your most-popular child, you are helping to create a social monster.

There’s only one winner but many losers in the popularity game, and it’s likely your child is one of these. If she’s near the top of the friendship rankings, she may be plotting a coup by spreading rumors about children more popular than she. If your child is nearer the bottom of the friendship rankings, she may be depressed, unhappy, and even unwilling to go to school or play with other kids. Either way, your child is in danger, of becoming mean and nasty or of becoming isolated and discouraged.

To a certain extent, this jockeying for position happens naturally among groups of kids and is fluid enough to be of only passing concern for parents. But when moms and dads actively participate in the popularity game, by keeping track of the social standing of their child and their child’s friends, then there will be trouble ahead. 

1. No matter how much your own popularity mattered to you in school, don’t project your anxiety onto your son or daughter. Don’t live through them or try to fix your own life by manipulating theirs.
2. As much as possible, let your children figure out their own social relationships and settle their own social problems. How will they learn to handle conflict and negotiate solutions if you’re always interfering? Their friends are their business, not yours.
3. Accentuate the positive. Say only nice things about other children and avoid comparing one child’s clothes/toys/vacations/ pets to other children’s. These are kids. Why are you obsessed with them and their stuff?
4. Reject bullying behavior wherever it happens. It’s bullying to call people names, lie about them, uninvite them to your birthday party and threaten rejection just as much as it’s bullying to steal lunch money and hit people. Don’t look the other way when your own child is a verbal bully and support your child when he’s the victim of verbal bullying.
5. Most of all, don’t play into the hands of those who want to rank children by popularity (or intelligence or athletic ability or anything else). Refuse to participate in these conversations. Imagine that others talked about your own rank on the prettiness scale. You wouldn’t like it one bit! 

High school taught a lot of us that popularity matters. Most adults outgrow this delusion. Remember that who is the most popular doesn’t translate in any way to life success. What does translate is feeling supported and appreciated.

That’s what every child needs.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Join Dr. Anderson in an online conference for teachers and parents. Find out more at Quality Conference for Early Childhood Leaders

How Can You Tell If Your Child Care Is Good Enough?

According to Steve Barnett, director of the National Institute for Early Education Research at Rutgers University, a majority of low-income four-year-olds are enrolled in preschools and child care centers that are of poor quality. These children already have two strikes against them and mediocre child care may be the final blow. 

Even though it’s “only preschool,” what happens before kindergarten matters. So how can you tell if your child’s preschool or child care center is good enough? What should you look for?

Your child may not have the disadvantages in life that low-income children often have. But quality child care matters for your kids too.

The first thing to look for is that a child is enrolled. According to Barnett, even poor preschool  is better than no preschool. Children who get no preschool start kindergarten already a year behind. This is because what matters in kindergarten is not so much academic ability – things parents may think they’re providing at home –but habits of mind necessary for school. Children who come to school knowing how to work in a group, how to follow complicated directions, how to do school work, and how to pay attention in the midst of distractions, these children are ready to learn. And these are the skills that even the most inadequate preschool develops.

The second thing to look for is a teaching staff that knows how to work with children and enjoys teaching them. A good child care or preschool teacher should know how to develop children’s skills in pre-math and pre-reading. She should know how to guide children’s behavior without squelching their curiosity. She should be respectful of children’s ideas and she’s got to be nice. She has high standards but she knows her job is to help children reach them.

In a preschool run by a school district, teachers should all have a bachelor’s degree and teaching certificate. They will be well-paid and will have access to lots of professional development. If your school district doesn’t offer a preschool program or if your child is ineligible for your district’s program (some are limited to children with low-income and other risk factors), then find the very best preschool or child care center you can with the very best support of its teachers. 

• Ask about a teacher’s preparation. At least some college is better than none.
• Ask if the school closes for professional development days (even though this is an inconvenience for you, it’s something you want). 
• Ask about the number of children per teacher. 
• Ask how long teachers typically stay and how quickly they leave.  
• If you can, watch teachers in action. 

You are looking for the same professionalism that teachers display at your local elementary school. Are teachers proud of what they do or are they always on the lookout for a better job?

Third, find a place where play is center-stage. Play is the medium by which children learn. The Tulsa, Oklahoma public preschool program, showcased as a national model, devotes two hours of unstructured “free” play every day for every child. Sit-down instruction, with children filling in worksheets and memorizing facts, is not a positive thing. It’s just plain inappropriate for young children. In a good preschool or child care center, children are moving around, doing interesting things together, as their teachers observe, guide and ask questions.

Noticing a quality preschool or child care center isn’t difficult – the signs are obvious or can be discovered by asking a few questions. Finding a quality preschool or center may be more difficult. But the results are worth the search.

Your child’s school success is determined in large part by what happens at age three and four. Choose quality for your child.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. 

Spanked Kids Misbehave Again in Under 10 Minutes. Why?

If you spank your child you might be convinced that you’re doing it “right.” You might think that spanking is good for a child and not only stops bad behavior but leads to improved behavior over time. A new study confirms that you would be wrong on both counts.

Thirty-three parents who said they spank agreed to be recorded over four to six evenings. Most of the parents were the children’s mothers, and were married, well-educated, white, and worked outside the home. Their children were, on average, a bit younger than four. The recordings captured 41 instances of corporal punishment (spanking, slapping, shoving, shaking, pinching, and so on) that happened mostly while the parent prepared dinner or was bathing the child before bed.

The scientists, led by psychologist George Holden from Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, found that these parents spanked in three ways that are especially troubling: they spanked in anger, they spanked quickly instead of as a last resort, and they spanked for minor misbehaviors, not in response to serious problems or dangerous behavior. In addition, parents hit their children repeatedly, instead of giving a single swat.

As you know by now, I do not believe spanking is effective but I understand that many parents do spank. So, if you hit, I invite you to observe your own spanking behavior.

·         Quick to hit? In the study, parents spanked quickly, within half a minute of noticing a problem behavior. If they tried first to redirect children, restate rules, or even send a child into timeout, they didn’t try very long. Often they hit first.

·         Hit for what? In the study parents hit their children for silly things like sucking fingers, eating improperly, and getting out of a chair during dinner. In 90% of the hitting incidents, the trigger behavior was unimportant, even just normal child stuff.

·         In the mood to hit? Recordings revealed that parents were angry before they hit their children. Their children didn’t make them angry; mothers were angry already. Most parents spanked on impulse and emotionally, instead of thoughtfully.

·         Hit how often? Parents in the study hit repeatedly. One mother hit her child 11 times in a row. Another parent spanked a baby only seven months old. Although previous studies (based on parents’ own estimates) determined that parents hit two-year-olds about 18 times a year, this study using actual real-time recordings found that parents hit two-year-olds at a rate of 18 times a week.

·         Hit with what result? Many parents say they spank because it’s the only way to get through to their children. But it didn’t work that way for parents in this study. The recordings reveal that children who were spanked misbehaved again in just 10 minutes.

If you spank, slap, or hit your children, take a long, hard look at that. How effective is corporal punishment, really, in making your life more serene and happy? How better behaved for how long are your children as a result of being hit? How much better do you feel about yourself as a result of being a parent who hits?

Corporal punishment has been associated in other studies with everything from low school success, obesity, bullying behavior and delinquency. If spanking isn’t effective at home anyway, is it worth the risk of derailing your child’s future? I think not.

Please, think before you hit.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Join Dr. Anderson in an online conference for teachers and parents. Find out more at Quality Conference for Early Childhood Leaders.

The Good News/Bad News: There’s No Math Gene

Have you or your child ever said, “I’m just no good at math?” If so, then new research from Norway delivers news that’s both good and bad:

• There’s no such thing as being naturally good at math.
• Practicing math makes one better at math. 

Many of us have believed that math ability is something a person is born with – or not. So it might be hard to believe that this isn’t so. Here is how researchers came to the conclusion that mathematicians aren’t born that way.

Scientists asked 70 Norwegian fifth-graders to complete nine different math tasks. Each task required knowledge of different mathematical operations and different applications of mathematical thinking. If math ability were inborn, individual children would have been equally good (or equally bad) on all nine tasks. But they weren’t. Children were better at tasks they had practiced in school and less successful in other tasks. No one appeared to be “naturally good” at math or “naturally bad.”

This is bad news for those of us who have used the excuse that we’re just not good at math as a reason for not trying very hard. But it’s good news for those of us who would like to do better at math than we are doing right now. Practice does make perfect.

So here are some math tips for parents.

1. Start your child early in thinking mathematically. People who seem “naturally good” at math are people who were surrounded by numbers and opportunities for problem-solving from a young age. Play with math ideas as they come up naturally during play.
2. Start early in supporting your child in mastering math tasks. You might dread helping your child with math homework, but if you start in kindergarten you and your child can learn math together. Don’t imagine your child is “too young” to understand.
3. Accept no excuses. As your child gets older, the math gets more complicated. But your child is smart. She can do this. And you are smart too. Even if you don’t understand her math homework, you can. Learn this stuff together.
4. Don’t let others make excuses either. Your child’s other parent, his grandmother, or even his teacher might hint that he’s just not good at math. They might say he has other wonderful qualities so his lack of math skill isn’t a problem. But of course it is. Math is essential. Don’t let anyone tell you (or tell your child) that it’s okay to be bad at math.

The bad news is we are all responsible for doing the hard work of learning math. The good news is we can be successful if we try.

Help your child to try harder.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Lies Parents Tell and How to Avoid Them

Face it: you don’t always tell your children the truth.

You might profess ignorance and puzzlement when a child’s favorite toy  – the one that makes grinding, beeping sounds that are eating into your brain – mysteriously disappears and is nowhere to be found.

You might suggest that what your child is doing right now will incur the wrath of a) her dentist; b) Santa Claus; or c) the police, resulting in a “logical consequence”  you are powerless to stop but which will cause her immense physical or psychological pain.

You might spin a cover-up, along the lines of the cat going to live on a farm, Grandma going on a long trip, or meatloaf containing no carrots whatsoever, that doesn’t just shade the truth but completely upends it.

The question is, “Is this a problem?”

Well, yes, because truth will out, as the saying goes. Short-term gains in peace of mind and no-questions-asked will eventually be replaced by the realization that you cannot be completely trusted.

Do not imagine that you can deceive your children forever. They  will put two-and-two together. Their friends will clue them in. They will eavesdrop on your conversations with your friends and family. Long before you expect it, the truth will be exposed and your credibility along with it.

We parents are tempted to make two sorts of misleading statements: those intended to manipulate a child and those intended to protect him. How we begin to more consistently tell the truth depends on which sort of untruth we’re talking about.

Lies we tell to manipulate our children – telling them they will go to jail for not using the potty or that their Halloween candy contains bugs – these are completely avoidable. We tell them because we’re out of better ideas for guiding children’s behavior so that scaring our kids or grossing them out seems easy and expedient. 

Being patient and doing the hard work of toilet-training or being calmly parental in setting limits on candy will be more effective in the long run. Avoiding the truth derails the development of the sort of skills and decision-making ability we’d like our children to have. In addition, your lies will be exposed. So don’t manipulate your kids but tell the truth.

Sometimes instead we tell lies to protect our children from unpleasant realities.  But if you stop and think about it, you’ll notice that we tell these lies to protect ourselves. We might be uncomfortable with the truth – Grandma has dementia and doesn’t recognize anyone anymore; the cat got eaten by a coyote last night. They are too young for such truths, we say. But, really, we are unwilling to explain things. We are sad and upset by events we ourselves don’t understand. We don’t have all the answers. How can we tell our kids?

Remember that they will discover the truth on their own. Better by far to be the one they hear it from than to hear it from someone else, after having been told a falsehood by you. You don’t have to have all the answers. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” It’s okay to cry if the truth makes you sad. But telling lies is never a good idea, even with the best of intentions.

Notice that when you tell your child the truth it doesn’t have to be the whole truth. You don’t need to go into detail. Tell what you know in simple terms suited to the age of the child and then wait for a question to arise. Answer that truthfully. Wait for another question. Some kids want to know everything and will ask questions endlessly as they work things out in their minds. Some kids want less information and will ask next to nothing. Either way is okay.

One of the tough tasks of parenthood is the gradual revelation to our children of the hard truths of existence. Step up to this duty and fulfill it with grace. Along the way, don’t damage your street cred with falsehoods meant to manipulate and deceive. Honesty is the best policy.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed

Breaking the Budget for Your Kids: When to Say “No”

“I’d do anything, for you, dear, anything, 

for you mean everything to me….”

This is what Artful Dodger sings to little Nancy in the Lionel Bart musical Oliver! It also might be the tune you sing to your own child. We love our kids. Our love has no limit. But our pocketbooks do.

Even so, many parents go into debt over things their children want that don’t qualify as needs. As we approach the holiday buying season, now is a good time to remind ourselves of the difference and to strengthen our resolve to know when to say “no.”

Understanding the distinction between wants and needs is not something kids are good at. A two-year-old needs a cookie before dinner. Just ask him! A nine-year-old needs a new package of Pokemon cards. A thirteen year old needs a cell phone with an unlimited data plan. These needs are strongly felt and kids can be very persuasive. Denying our children what they want and what they believe they need just feels wrong. It’s unpleasant. It’s easier and quieter to give in.

But giving in gives the wrong impression. Even if we can afford everything our children wish for, it’s important to show some restraint. Here are some reasons why:

1. Children must be able to evaluate their own impulses and develop some self-control. If not at home, with you, where will they learn this? The child who believes that everything has its price and everyone can be bought is not an asset to society.
2. Making choices about what to buy or what to ask for is more important to a child’s development than being able to buy or receive everything imaginable. Evaluating, planning, and even saving, develop a child’s brain capacity for all sorts of decisions down the road.
3. Being part of the family “team” is an important part of children’s self-concept, more than being the one the whole family revolves around. It’s a good thing for children to notice that others in the family have needs and wishes too and that sometimes others’ desires will come before their own. Not always, but sometimes.
4. Giving children something while denying ourselves everything eventually leads to resentment, guilt, and anger. It’s unfair to the child, really, to let her get used to having her own way, only to tell her later that she’s too old for all that. It’s not going to be her fault that she’s spoiled but you might be inclined to blame her nonetheless.
5. Instead of always supplying your child’s every want, give her an allowance so she can make her own spending and saving decisions. Doing this provides her with an appreciation of the value of things, helps her grow in responsibility and planning, and makes her feel independent and empowered.
6. If your child wants something you approve that is way beyond his means, insist he contribute some portion of the price, even if it’s just a small amount, or contribute an “in kind” contribution of chores. Having some “skin in the game” helps him be a partner in the investment and feel grown up, instead being and feeling dependent on you.

This is not to say that we can never indulge our children’s desires or that everything we give our kids has to fulfill a true need. This is not an orphanage, it’s a family. Buying our kids stuff that lights up their eyes is fun and makes us happy too.

But overdoing the gift-giving and encouraging children to create wish lists that are unreasonable do no one any favors. If you find yourself maxing your credit cards for children’s holidays, there’s something wrong in the equation. But it’s not really about the money. It’s about the values.

Value your children in incalculable ways.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. 

Is It Ever Okay to Bribe Your Kids?

Like you’ve never done it....

Like you’ve never said, 

“If you eat your vegetables, you can have dessert.”

Like you’ve never said, 

“Get an A in math this term and I’ll give you five bucks.”

Like you’ve never said, 

“Score a run today and you can stay up late tonight.”

There’s no denying it.  When we can’t think of any other way to get our kids to perform, we sweeten the pot. We offer a bribe. And usually our bribes work. Kids rise to the bait and do what we want.

So what’s so wrong with that? If bribes work, why do they make us feel queasy? Why do experts – yours truly included – warn against relying on bribery to motivate children? Where’s the downside?

There are a couple problems with making a practice of offering bribes. Bribes stunt a child’s development as a fully-functioning person and, at the same time, bribes undermine your authority as a parent. Not exactly what you expected. Let’s look more deeply.

When we offer a bribe as a motivator, we change the dynamic of the experience. Now the person who is being bribed is acting, not based on his own values and interests, but based on the values and interests of someone else. He has been transformed into a puppet. He is not a fully-functioning person. This is why offering a bribe and taking a bribe are crimes for adults. 

For children, who are learning how to make decisions intelligently, being bribed short-circuits this development. It detours the growth of the prefrontal cortex – the area of the brain needed for judgment and weighing consequences. The child who does something because she will be rewarded is unable to see past the reward to the true values the rewarded actions support. She is a less-moral person.

The second problem arises the day she turns the tables on you. Sooner or later your child will say, “Eh. I don’t care about that reward.”  Or, she will start to run the bribe herself. When you ask for something, she will say, “What will you give me if I do?” Now her compliance is the bribe; she will do as you ask only if you agree to pay out. In both these cases, you are put in the position of having to up the ante to get the same results as before. Now it is you who are being manipulated. 

While rewards work okay once in a while, they do not make a sound long-term strategy. Eventually the reward is no longer enough. Along the way, your child is diverted from growing into someone who can motivate himself.

If you tend to use bribes, it will take some effort to get out of them. Your child is used to being rewarded and is used to you making all the decisions. You must switch to a system in which your child rewards himself.

So ask him, “When you finish all your vegetables, how will you reward yourself?” Maybe he’ll say he gets dessert but maybe he’ll say he gets to play on the computer for half an hour. 

Ask her, “When you work hard and get an A in math next term, how will you celebrate?” Let your child make the plan; if you make it, it is you creating a reward not her taking charge. Keep in mind that getting an A in math may not be entirely within your child’s control. Help her to set contingencies in case she misses her goal.

And ask your child, “When you score a run today, how would you like to celebrate that?” Maybe your child will say only that he will do a little dance on home plate. Maybe he will plan to high-five everyone on the team. Who knows?

The point here is that rewards that are important to the person (researchers say “salient”) are more effective than rewards set by someone else. Everyone wants to be her own boss and control her own fate. Children too. And setting goals for oneself and monitoring one’s own progress are key life skills.

Don’t derail these skills by manipulating bribes. Instead, guide your child in managing himself.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

Do School Anti-Bullying Programs Work?

Being bullied is no fun and being a bully isn’t a great way to build a social circle. In recent years, parents’ and teachers’ concern about bullying has led many school districts to implement anti-bullying programs. In fact, parents often demand that such programs be instituted. 

Now, a new study calls into question the effectiveness of anti-bullying programs in schools. It seems that there is more bullying in schools with anti-bullying programs than in schools without.

The study by researchers at University of Texas Arlington and published in the Journal of Criminology, surveyed over 7,000 12-to-18 year-olds in nearly 200 U.S. school districts. 

They found that older students were less likely to be victims of bullying than younger students but that the most pervasive bullying occurred at the high school level. Race and ethnicity were not a factor linked to more or less bullying. Boys were more likely to be party to physical bullying and girls more likely to be involved in emotional bullying.

Most disconcertingly, the study found that the presence of bullying prevention programs was associated with more bullying, not less. The study notes, “Surprisingly, bullying prevention had a negative effect on peer victimization. Contrary to our hypothesis, students attending schools with bullying prevention programs were more likely to have experienced peer victimization, compared to those attending schools without bullying prevention programs.” 

The authors speculate that bullies may learn better bullying techniques when schools focus so heavily on what bullies do and their effects. It may also be that schools that implement anti-bullying programs have more severe problems with bullying than schools that do not. The study reports that about 68% of American schools have anti-bullying programs.

If bullying is a problem at your child’s school, what should you do?

• Remember that anti-bullying programs are not enough to make a change. One cannot simply expect that having a program solves the problem. Bullying is not so simple as that.
• Do what you can to change the culture of the school and the neighborhood. Bullying thrives in a coercive environment, where people in power wield power over others. Highly controlling teaching methods, zero-tolerance administrative policies, and blatant favoritism of some groups over others are methods frequently employed by the adults in schools where bullying is a problem. It makes sense that bullies learn by adult examples.
• Listen if your child complains of being bullied. Just because her school has an anti-bullying program doesn’t mean you can imagine the problem no longer exists, or exists only in her mind. Remember that boys can be victims of bullies too (and girls can be bullies, as well).
• Get help if you suspect your child is a bully. While many bullies learn how to be controlling and coercive at home, some bullies are children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and other mental health issues, raised in homes with responsive parenting. Don’t be embarrassed. Take action.

The take-home message from this study is that parents cannot assume an anti-bullying effort at school solves the problem. Things may actually get worse or at least get no better.  

As always, parents must still pay attention and take action to protect their children.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

Is Your Child’s Favorite Book on the 100 Best Books List?

The New York Public Library recently released its 2013 list of the best 100 books for kids.  It’s an interesting list and it makes me wonder what are your favorite children’s books? Which books have you most enjoyed reading to your kids – or are you looking forward to reading to them once they get old enough?

You might be surprised to notice that most of these books were around when you were a child. In fact, many of them were around when even I was a child, old granny that I am! The oldest book on the list is Winnie-the-Pooh, first published in 1926. It’s a book still on my own bookshelf and that I remember having fun reading with my own boys, doing the voices for Kanga and Roo and Piglet and all.

More than half (52) of the books were published before 1980. Here is my absolutely favorite book to read to small children, Caps For Sale, but also a close runner-up in Millions of Cats. Green Eggs and Ham is here, along with The Hobbit. The beauty of children’s books is that they do seem to unite the generations. Books your children’s grandparents enjoy are still likely to be ones the children will like too.

The list includes books like Where Is The Green Sheep? that toddlers (and their parents) find charming and other books like A Wrinkle In Time that are appropriate for much, much older children. So there are ideas here for read-alouds at every age group through the elementary school years. Reading aloud to children is a great way to introduce early literacy, of course, but it’s also a great way to support older readers who have trouble “getting into” a book. No one is too old to be read to!

But what’s missing from the list? A list of only 100 books, when there are about 30,000 new “juvenile titles” published each year, according to Bowker’s Books In Print database, is bound to overlook some truly excellent books that might be your favorites or your children’s favorites. 

One entire genre that’s missing is children’s non-fiction. Books like David Macauley’s The Way Things Work are not included. These are books one might not read cover-to-cover as part of the before-bedtime ritual but they are books older children, including many reluctant readers, find deeply interesting.

Poetry is also missing from the list, including Where The Sidewalk Ends, which you probably remember fondly. So this list, like any list, is incomplete. But if you’re at the library, unable to find something good to take home with your child, this list is a great place to start.

Take a look at the list and check off the ones you’ve read with your children, the ones you read and a child, and the books you want to read together soon. Then think of what’s missing. I invite you to comment and tell us what books you recommend!

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. 

Can You Break Your Shushing Habit?

One of my sons’ family recently moved from a second-floor condo (in a three-level building) to a single family home. My daughter-in-law told me she’s noticed how relieved she is to not have to constantly “shush” her children, ages 4 and 10. Now that there’s no one to disturb in a unit above, in a unit below, or in a unit to the side, she feels she can finally let go and let her kids be kids.

A widely-distributed blog post this week addressed the same issue. The author makes the point that children naturally are loud. Trying to make them be quiet is frustrating… for everyone.

So here’s a challenge: take note of how many times during a day you shush your kids. Is being quiet the most important thing in your family, at least as measured by how many times it’s reinforced? You might be surprised by how frequently you shush.

In more formal times, the maxim “children should be seen and not heard” described ideal behavior. Children were expected to not to speak at all unless they were spoken to. But in a free society, shushing a child seems downright un-American.

Keep in mind that learning to talk requires not just listening to others (though that’s important) but practicing speech by talking too. Children who are inhibited from talking may have smaller vocabularies and smaller command of grammar and pronunciation, and they may be overshadowed in school by their more vocal classmates. We cannot have it both ways: we can’t ask kids constantly to be quiet then cajole them to “speak up!”

In addition, silencing our children silences more than their voices. It silences their opinions as well. The ability to think through problems and negotiate conflict requires freedom to speak one’s mind in a coherent argument. This is especially true when the speaker is younger and less capable than other people in the room, or when some groups of children (girls, for example) are shushed more than others.

Finally, keeping children quiet teaches them to “play small.” It makes being less-than a habit. Parents who are eager for their children to stand out can start by letting them speak out.

This isn’t to say that children have to yell all the time. Here are some suggestions that might make shushing a thing of the past in your house:

1. Model what you want to hear. If you yell, your kids will yell, just to be heard. Instead of upping your volume to carry your voice over the din, speak more quietly. This means also to avoid calling loudly up the stairs… go to where the person is to speak with him.
2. Turn down or turn off competing sounds. If the TV is always on, if video games or music is played at max volume, or if the dog barks constantly, kids will have to yell to be heard. Turn things off and train the dog.
3. Get outside. What’s the point of having an “outside voice” if you never get a chance to use it? Make certain your children get outdoors every day and don’t make them be quiet when they run around and play.
4. Listen to your children. Sometimes kids get loud just to get your attention. Don’t be too busy to listen, to admire, and to interact with them.
5. Teach volume control. If you’re modeling your best indoor voice, your children will have an easier time knowing what speaking “normally” is. But they still will need to know – in a nice way – when they are speaking too loudly for the situation. Try suggesting, in a near-whisper, “Speak only to me” when your child is declaring things at the top of her lungs.

No one likes to be shushed. But we parents shush an awful lot. See if you can break – or at least reduce – your own impulse to shush.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.